Ways to prepare for life with a toddler.
- Wipe crumbs, ketchup, dirt, etc across all of your walls, baseboards, and door knobs. Clean them. And then repeat. Also repeat on all of your furniture.
- Walk into the room that will be your toddler’s room. Say goodnight, turn off the lights, and close the door. Then repeat 15,000 times. (Depending on the child, you might want to practice this while running for the door as fast as possible while pointing a wooden spoon towards your future toddler and then locking the door on the way out. In order to repeat 15,000 times you must break into the locked room each time. )
- Fall asleep and then have someone hit you with a toy. Repeat being hit with an iPad.
- Follow instructions perfectly preparing exactly what food your future toddler request and then throw it on the floor.
- Spend your day going somewhere fun for your toddler (such as the park, zoo, birthday party, etc) and then leave suddenly while apologizing to everyone around you.
- Sit down on the couch, get comfortable, and then immediately get back up. Repeat 15,000 times. Also practice this while sitting down to eat.
- As soon as you open your eyes in the morning, immediately jump out of the bed responding to 15,000 requests being made all at the same exact time. (Also works well with crying sounds in the background.)
- Go into the wilderness and find the wildest animal you can find. Then try to change its diaper. Also try to get it into a highchair (for extra preparation do this in a public restaurant). Also works well with a car seat.
- Wear jeans often and carry a wooden spoon in the back pocket. Also start carrying one in your purse. And in your car. Actually all of the vehicles.
- Think of the dumbest f*&#ing question you can possibly think of that your toddler might ask and then answer that same question 15,000 times in a row. While smiling patiently.
- Buy a cute, expensive outfit 6 months in advance of a specific holiday. Then pour Mac-n-cheese, mud, paint, nail polish, and ketchup on it (let stains soak in for the remainder of the anticipated event). Then hand scrub each of the stains out prior to washing. Hang/lay flat to dry, neatly hang back in their closet. Then repeat.
- Scatter French fries all over your car. Leave for as long as you’d like but as soon as you clean it out, repeat with goldfish.
- Call your mom/friend/husband/wife on the phone, begin a sentence, then pause to yell random things at your future toddler. Example: Me talking on the phone “Yeah I agree, however….LET GO OF YOUR BROTHER’S HAIR…..that we should make plans to…..DO.NOT.HIT……this week.” And then repeat for the entire duration of the phone call. Make sure to end the conversation with “yes sweetie you can hit the red button.”
- Occasionally smear some poop on your arm and forget it’s there.
- Provide sincere empathy for the most ridiculous s$&@ you could ever possibly imagine crying over. Example: “sweetheart I’m so sorry you flushed your own hot wheels down the toilet but mommy can’t get your mustang back.” Or “I’m sorry that your brother looked at you. If you don’t want him looking at you then go to your room.”
- Have someone constantly touch you, sit on you, lean on you, hold your leg, rubbing you, kissing you, climbing you, pushing you, etc while trying to clean the house. This applies to any activity that you are doing for the full duration that the toddler is awake. Multiply this step by the amount of toddlers that you anticipate having.
- Practice hiding in the pantry to eat your snacks. This also includes practicing quietly opening up the wrappers AND placing them well hidden within the trash can.
- Buy new toys and then threaten to throw them in the trash. Repeat this often throughout the day. (Also works well if you actually do throw them in the trash.)
- Randomly say throughout the day “oh they are closed today” or any other white lies that you might think of.
- Practice stepping on hot wheels or other small toys while barefoot.
- Just when you think you couldn’t possibly go another day without washing your hair, go one more day. Then go 5 more.
- Stay up really late at night to enjoy your “me” time and then make false promises to yourself all day the next day about going to bed earlier.
- Make a list of all of your goals/ideals that you are going to hold firm as a parent and then shred it into tiny pieces and throw it in the trash.
We’re all just trying to survive. I salute you fellow toddler moms.
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